They Really Are Irreplacable.

You say it again and again, no more! I’m not going to put up with it! You say you’re not gonna let it happen again, and then what do you do?

Doctorcats, Ho!

You go and take a case tracking down magazines from a dentist’s waiting room.

I mean, think about that for just a moment. Never mind why you would care enough to steal them, why would you care enough to go to the police to get them back? Afraid that it’s not your treatments the customers come for, but the five-month old Time-Life? The yea-old Martha Stewart Living?
They were… special!

“So Highlights, then?”

I don’t care what you think! He took my property, and I want to see him pay!

“Well, we can go bug him, but there’s really not much I can do. Unless you can get a jury of anal-retentive dentists, you’re gonna get laughed out of court the second they read the charge.”

If there is no justice here I will take justice into my own hands!

“Fine, fine! Whatever!” Big cats are so touchy.

I’m not at all surprised at what comes out the door of the little hovel. Yet another indistinguishable pink lump. This is exactly the sort of place one of these low-lifes would live. What does creep me out is his expression. Ignoring his freakishly long simian arms, it’s the single most repulsive feature I’ve ever see, and for his species, that’s saying a lot.

I, uh, just got up from a nap. Can’t have been, uh, me.

You are lying, you cur, and I will see you howling in torment amid the lamentations of your women-

“Easy on the lamentations,” I say, “Simba M.D. here says you ran off with-” and I almost can’t bring myself to say it, “-the magazines from his waiting room.”

He goes beet red, but he still leaves his jaw hanging open. Nuh-uh. I’ve, uh, been here all day. Sleeping. Uh, yeah.

You are a liar and your bones will bleach in the sun!

“Dr, if you don’t calm down I’m gonna book you for disorderly conduct.”

I can prove it! Take his blood pressure! He fled my office like the coward he is, his heart will still be racing!

“There’s a huge lion having a temper tantrum on his doorstep! Of course his heart is racing!” But honestly, it doesn’t look like he’s that excited. His eyes are still half closed, and his mouth is still swinging in the breeze. “How much novocaine did you give him, anyway? Maybe if you didn’t spend all that fancy dentist money on refilling the drug bin, you could just buy some more magazines-”

Dentist? I’m a chiropractor!


So that’s the story of how I arrested some pink waste of space for heroin possession, how the short-tempered lion got back the irreplaceable pornography magazines from his waiting room, and how I started going to a chiropractor.

It’s very relaxing.

The Final Word.


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