Most Obvious Crimes Ever Edition.

“Why are you on that thing, Max? Don’t you remember what I told you last time you were trying to be cool?”

Mah therapist tol’ me I should be more proactive.

“And what did that mean?”


The Famous ‘No! The Other Way!’ Statue.

Ah say, Jim-Bob, thars that thar der-tective!

Ah declar, Joe-Bob, he do look all manner o’ smart!

Ah say, Jim-Bob, that he do! P’raps’n he kin git us outer owr per-dicamint!

Now that is the very definition of a conversation that is heading in a bad direction.

Ah say thar, young feller, we done got ourselves a mite of a problem!

“Such is the human condition, I fear. But I’ve got to get to a case, you see, so-”

See, we gots to get this here mon-ument done set down all purty like!

It’s our civic dooty!

That it surely is! But the problem is we caint figure owt fer the life of us how ter git the ropes out after we lower her down!

I stare at them for a moment. Just on the other side of this park, there’s an actual murder waiting. An actual murder! With someone properly dead! Do you know how long it’s been since I had one of those to solve?

But still.

I picture Lupo’s face when I tell him this one.

“Allright. This should work. Take big ol’ blocks of ice, like for old-timey refrigerators, and put those under the statue! Than, when they melt, the statue will settle gently to the pedestal!”

They blink. In unison. Thought that only happened in the cartoons. Wall… thanks thar… I guess that’ll do ‘er-

“Oh yeah. Because of course ice always melts completely evenly, and isn’t slippery at all. If you don’t like that one, you could have some angels lower the statue gently as a feather! Or have a local wizard magically teleport it to the top of the pedestal!”

Whut you babblin’ bout, boy?

“I bet he’s got good rates.” I clap a paw to the shoulder of the pig. “Course, you guys aren’t trying to put the statue back, are you?”

Aw shit! yelps the dog, catapulting himself from the crane and taking off down the street. The pig tries to follow, but I’ve already got the cuffs out.

It were his idear, he explains, he sed the po-lice’d just pass us right on by if’n we acted liak we wuz suppose’ ter be doing everything we wuz doin. Dunno why he wanted that big ol’ thing. How’d yew know we wuz stealin it?

“Oh please. First, nobody’s gonna hire a workman to put up a statue who by his own admission does not know how to put up statues at all. Second, that monument’s been up here for years. I see it every day on my way to work. And third, well, I just know.” I ratchet the cuffs shut with a satisfying click. “Always. Max, get this clown back to the station!”

Sly, I fink you should see dis!

Up in the cab is a disguise kit, a wire service clipping about the murder I was headed to, and a note: Point to you, detective. My hubris is justly punished. Let’s see about yours.

Well, I guess that explains the motive.

The Final Word.


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