I Guess This Makes Him A River Shrew.

I mentioned about my day off and what always happens to it, right?

He looks just like Monty Mole from Super Mario World.

I was trying to come up with some way of calculating the likelihood of Max dying of brainfreeze; I’d started trying to work it out after the twentieth time he’d stopped at an ice cream stand and I was nearly there when I realized I’d lost count of how many he’d stopped at since then, when my attention was drawn to a whole convention of shouting. Looked like a shrew and the Scrawniest Beaver In Existence.

Oh yeah?

Yeah!

Oh yeah?

Yeah!

And then it just went on like that for a while. The egret looks embarrassed and doesn’t say anything.

Well my oars are crafted of only the finest peruvian mahogany!

An how’s dat gonna getcha dere any fasta?

It totally will!

Oh yeah?

Yeah!

Oh yeah?

Yeah!

And the egret looks embarrassed and doesn’t say anything.

I tell ya, dere aint nobody wha’s more at home in da watah den a shrew!

Pft! You don’t know anything! Beavers make lakes, and there’s nothing about them we don’t know!

Cept how’s I’m about to kick yer washboard tail on dis one!

Who says?

I sez! 

Oh yeah?

Yeah!

Oh yeah?

Yeah!

And the egret looks embarrassed and doesn’t say anything.

Oh jes you wait! I got me a secret weapon! The shrew pulls out this ridiculous contraption, it looks like someone glued googily eyes on some binoculars and glues those onto some goggles. My respect for the shrew goes up. He’s gotta have killer back muscles to keep his head upright with that thing on. Wit dis, I’m gonna be able ta see da finish line da second I start! I’m gonna have a psykomalogical edge!

Oh yeah?

Yeah!

“Oh yeah?”

Huh?

“I’ve seen some pretty pathetic things in my work, you know. I’ve seen cows with their minds blown on crystal meth, naked and drooling in some clinic somewhere. I’ve seen hairless monkey weddings, and that’s a pile of ugly like I hope I never see again. I’ve seen brutal gladitorial murder shown to kids as good clean entertainment. Then there’s you.”

He looks over his shoulder, because apparently there was a good chance I was talking to somebody standing in the middle of the lake.

“I guess if you’ve really got nothing better to do with yourself you can spend your time trying to cheat at kids games, there’s no law against that. But seriously. At least pick one that you have some idea how it works?”

Whu?

“You row backwards, genius. Unless you can swivel your head all the way around without moving your shoulders, you can’t see the finish line while you’re rowing.”

Yer gonna take me in fer dat?! There’s a note of panic in his voice now. Has he got a record? I make a mental note to check up on him when I get in tomorrow, but then say, “Nope. If anything, I’d ticket these two for not wearing life jackets. Like I dais, if you wanna waste your time cheating to keep schoolkids from asserting their superiority over you, it’s none of my business.”

The shrew looks confused. The beaver looks angry. The egret looks embarrassed and doesn’t say anything.

Trouble? asks Max, licking the last crumbs of cone off his whiskers.

“Nope. Not yet, anyway.”

Good. We got more ice cream places to- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I knew it.

The Final Word.

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