Bob Weber Is Doing This On Purpose, Just To Make It Harder To Write These Things!



Fawxx get ovah heeeere!

“I’m standing five feet away, chief.”

Oh. Well, get yerself down to memorial park. There’s a situation.

“What kind?” I’m thinking robbery, a brawl, maybe attempted rape?

Grittins, Mah Nam Ess Kahlfeen!


There’s this long silence. If you listen right, you can hear my brain sighing with disappointment.



“In memorial park.”


“And I have to go deal with it.”

You goin deaf? Now get out there!

Which is why I’m standing here, trying not to knee somebody in the alien groin and cause the war of the worlds. Though for all I know, kneeing eachother in the groin is their traditional greeting.

Ok, I really really really hope that kneeing eachother in the groin is not their traditional greeting.

Greetings, Earth Creature! We Come In Peace!

Peace Is What We Come In!

Also Our Spaceship!

“Yeah, I was noticing that.”

Omygawd, dey are not of dis oith! Max shrieks.

“Shut up.” I push him back with my foot, “So anyway, aliens, why have you come here, or whatever?”

We Come In Search Of Fuel For Our Ship!

Affirmative! We Require Solid Fuel Composed Of Hydrogen And Oxygen!

“I’ll just bet you do.”

Please Provide Us With Such Fuel In The Form Of Semi-Regular Rectangular Solids Of Roughly One Cubic Inch In Volume!

Please Place Them In This Receptacle!

We Also Require As A Catalyst Several Liters Of Organic Ethyl In Liquid Form!

Please Place Containers Of Organic Ethyl Alcohol Into This Receptacle Along With The Ice!

The other alien nudges him with his shoulder. You Must Mean Fuel, Hive Brother!

Oh Of Course What Did I Say! I Meant Fuel Not Ice, Because We Do Not Know Of This Ice Of Which You Speak, For Your Earth Ways Are Strange To Us!

“Right, I’d say this has gone just about far enough.”

We Also Require The Steaks That Are Barbecued!

“Will you quit doing that screechy Dalek voice? You’re giving all the wildlife headaches!”

So now they’re laughing so hard they have difficulty taking off the masks. I don’t offer to help. “Well, isn’t this lovely. The evidence department doesn’t have anything better to do than play elaborate pranks on the detectives. Fun times.”

Oh, you shoulda seen your face, Sly! It was great!

Don’t blame us, man, it was the cheif’s idea!

Good one, though!

I spent the trip back to the station meditating on the possibility of setting fire to the chief’s desk, and telling him aliens did it.

The Final Word.


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