Shut Up, Max.

Sly, youz never gonnah guess what I did!

“Alphabetized your canned soup?”

I gawt us a case!

Suddenly I know what the deer in the headlights feel like.

Why Does Every Episode Sir Hound Is In Turn Out Somehow Nautical?

I actually did a case on that once. Guy was lying in wait at night by crosswalks, with a huge SUV, waiting for somebody to cross on their own, then he’d blind them with the headlights, run him down, and drive off. Newspapers called him the ‘Roadkiller.’ Eventually caught him. Turned out to be a deer.

Anyway.

Apparently Sir Hound’s butler came to Max and said he’d witnessed some human making off with a coin collection. And instead of telling me like he should have, Max started tossing forms around and so next thing you know I’m in the middle of a lake.

There he is, Officer! That’s the scoundrel I saw absconding with the priceless artifacts! he shouts even before we pull up.

“Calm down, Jeeves.”

Awright, pinky, ya better spill da place ya hid da loot, or it ain’t gonna go so pretty witcha! 

“Max?”

Yeah?

“Shut up.”

Oh.

Uhhhyuhhh… uhhh.. hello? says the suspect, who still has no idea what’s going on.

“Hi. I’m arresting you for theft, so let’s not make a big production out of this. Just come quietly.”

I, uhhh, don’t know what you, uh, mean!

“See, you were seen fleeing the scene of a burglary.”

With the ill-gotten gains clutch in his insidious claws!

“Yeah, by this guy.”

Uh, Nuh-uh! I’ve been, uhh, stranded on this island! I, uh, couldn’t!

Oooh! Oooh! I know!

We all look at Max.

Da crimes was committed by dis guy’s evil clone frum annudah dimension! Brought back to life! And then made into a robut duplicate!

“Max?”

Yah?

“Shut up.”

Oh.

Clearly he is lying! His sort always do! Why, just the other day my master related a story of the time he visited a private nude beach, only to discover a pair of these disgusting hairless ape-things fishing! Needless to say they were soundly disciplined at once! As this one should be!

“You too, Alfred.”

Really, I, uh, have been stuck here! I’m marooned!

“And I’m moroned. Look, you haven’t been here long enough to get a stubble, and believe me, when I can see every clammy inch of your skin like that, I can tell. Wish you did have a beard.”

Uh, just cause I’m marooned doesn’t mean I don’t shave! And he proceeds to pull out a razor, shaving cream, aftershave, and a supply of blades from under a rock.

Do we wanna know why he had dose on him when he got marooned? Max asks. I’m not listening, I’m looking for the butler and seeing only the Groucho Marx glasses and a note. On the shore is a figure just pulling itself from the water and disapearing into the park.

“Get after him! Now! Turn this ship around!”

He scuttled da motor!

So after thirty minutes of rowing using Max’s hat as an oar, we reach shore.

Uh, thanks for saving, uh uh, me. I, uhhh, I dunno how much longer I coulda, uh, lasted!

“It was thirty feet to shore. I know this. I COUNTED. Why did you need saving?”

I, uh, can’t swim!

I look down at the note: Ah well, it was worth a shot. You win this round, detective.

Whut’s it say, Sly?

“Shut up, Max.”

Hey, now dat’s about enuff-

“No, that’s really what it says!” I show him the P.S.: Tell your sidekick to shut up.

Oh.

The Final Word.

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