Do You Really Need A Detective To Tell You This?
I was really busy the other day. We had two reports of maniacs running around at large: this one pink ass who’d taken some intravenous rogaine and thought that made him a decent animal, and some punk hedgehog on PCP out on a copycat crime spree. I swear, the number of times I’ve busted a hedgehog on drugs who thought he was invincible… most of em were plumblers, too.
On top of that, we had a gang home invasion by some mice, and somebody spotted His Weirdliess in a stolen helicopter. Pretty full day, right?
Then on top of that, there was this.
There was already a small crowd when Max and I arrive. I’m hoping they’re the ‘oh look there’s a crazy yelling person let’s all stare at him’ kind and not the ‘oh look there’s a crazy yelling person let’s do as he commands’ flavor. The fact that they’re waving money in the air isn’t a good sign.
Yah, dat’s roight! Jes one little bottle o me magic potion, an’ yer all gonna live fer evah!
I have a vision of the zoot-suit disco stork living forever, and suppress a shudder. “That’s lovely, Mr. Shrew, but I’m afraid I’d like to have a word with you.”
Hey, who are you? whines someone in the crowd, I wanna buy my youth back an go cruisin for some lady-loves!
Suddenly really glad I can’t see who said that, I answer, “Far as you’re concerned, I’m Superintendent Parrot, now shut up. Mommy and Daddy are talking.”
So talk den snaps Sulky Shrew.
“I’m gonna give you a choice, Shady. We’ve run into eachother before, after all. You know what’ll happen if we do it again today.”
You’ll cart me offta da clink. Big deal.
“Well, I’m gonna give you a chance to walk. I got a lot on my plate today, and having to handle you doesn’t help. You pack up right now and go home, and I never saw you.”
Fat chance, copper, he grins, You can’t prove nothin and dere’s good money goin here.
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” I raise my voice, look around at the crowd, make sure we’ve got their attention. “So what’s in this miracle elixir?”
Why… sum a da best stuff in natchure! Shark lungs, jellyfish hearts, scorpion eggs, turtle teeth- He obviously doesn’t know where I’m going with this. Good.
“Sounds nasty. What, no eye of newt?”
He pouts. No.
Alright then, you’ve got me convinced! I’ll take a bottle.”
There’s a sudden silence so absolute you could hear a pin drop onto a pin-drop proof floor behind pin-drop resistant acoustic tiles. Whot? he finally mumbles.
“Hey, I don’t want to go senile any more than the next guy. So I’ll take two bottles.”
Erm… yaonly need one, it works, er, poimanently.
“I know. The second one is for you.”
Comprehension finally dawns. Yew filty son of a-
“What’s the matter? Allergic to jellyfish hearts?”
So that’s how I brought him in. And got Count Weirdly out of the chopper, as a matter of fact, because he only stole it to look for his missing drain cleaner, which I promptly returned.