This is Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not an Entry.

Er, um, uh, can you mebee, erm, gimme a hand wit dis?

I look at him over the top of my paper. “You know what I think about lie detectors, sergeant.”

Yeahbut, it’s, er, well, it’s you know bout logics an stuff, so…

“What is it doing?”

C’mere, I’ll show ya.

He stands accused of looking less like a pimp and more like… Cab Calloway.

Ok, Mac. Hit ‘er again.

He clears his throat and asks Harry Ape, in a voice like a tourist demanding the location of the bus station from some local who obviously doesn’t speak English, Did Ya Go By Any Of Da Stores Yer Accused Of Robbing?

Harry looks around the room cautiously, like a performer who doesn’t know if he’s supposed to do stand-up comedy or Irish step-dancing, and offers No.

TRUE! dings the machine.

“And the problem is?”

Da problem is we got da testimony of an eyewitness dat he robbed all three places.

“Who was the witness?”

Hey Sly, Max waves.

“Oh. Well, lemme try something.” I step up to the machine, give it a dirty look, and ask “Ok, your name is Harry Ape, right?”

Yew know dat.


“And they say you robbed three stores on your way home from the gym?”

Dat dey does.


“Did you pass those stores on your way home?”

Man, dey been askin me dat fer hours now!


“Well, did you?”

Nuh-uh. Swear on mah momma’s grave.


“Is your mother dead?”



“Okay, Harry, let’s just try some calibration questions.” I reach over and pretend to fiddle with some knobs. “What is your favorite color?”



“What is the capitol of Assyria?”



“Have you ever been convicted of a crime?”

Hell yeah.


“Did you not pass by the stores?”

He furrows his brow and frowns at that one. Yyyyes.


“Did you not not pass by the stores?”

I can see him repeating the sentence silently to himself. Uh… no?


“Did you not not not not not not not not not not pass by the stores?”

whu? No?

LIE! goes the machine, and little red lights flash all over it.

Yes got him ta admit it!

“Course I didn’t. This machine is a piece of crap. I got him confused and nervous, and the detector thought that meant he was lying.”

But den how’re we gonna get a confession outa him?

I roll my eyes. “Did you say that you didn’t pass by the stores because you in fact went inside each one instead?”

How’dya figger it owt?! he snarls at me.

I think about telling him, but settle for just saying “Cause I’m smart,” before they handcuff him and lead him away. “Now promise me you’ll get rid of this thing,” I growl, tossing the pickups to the sergeant.

Oh, sure thing, Fox, he says as he catches them, I’ll get ridda dis POS first ting!

LIE! blares the machine, as I head back to my desk.

The Final Word.


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