To Protect and Serve the Completely Incompetent.

Maybe You Should Have Closed Your Window- Oh Wait.

“Max, you’re not gonna go any faster on that thing than if you walked.”

Yer jes jealis dat I look so much more extreme dan you!

“I’ve wished I was a lot of things over the years, but ‘as extreme as Max Mouse’ ain’t never been one.”

Oh garsh, you guys’re finally here!

I’m stuck for a second wondering what my high-school coach’s wife is doing there, but then I realize that this must be the lady who made the call. How can I describe her? You know how they say some girls have an hourglass figure? With her, I’m gonna have to go with saltshaker. Saltshaker with big teeth, that is.

Ya know, I just can’t think whata guy’d want with stealing a purse! Oh, that’s just different!

“Why don’t you just calm down and tell us what happened?”

You bet. Well, I was goin down to da pond ta get little Bobby, ya know, and he was skating around. A lotta guys are in to the skating, you know. And it’s such good excercise, though. It’s really important, you know, to get the exercise in the winter cause if a guy’s stuck inside for months and months and months then you just get all flabby, you know?

I blink. “So, you went to that pond, over there?”

Yep, you bet.

“The one six feet away?”

Oh yeah. It was time to start headin home, doncha know, cause there’s lotsa baking ta do for the holidays, and Bobby was getting pretty tired anyway. It’s real convenient to have the pond so close, though, you know?

“…and therefore you called the police?”

Oh, yeahbut when I came back my purse was gone and I just can’t believe it! I mean, what would possess you to take somebody else’s property?

In the moment when I’m lost for words, Max slips past my guard and pipes up, It’s ok lady, I knowz who took ya poise!

Oh thank heavens I was just so worried, doncha know!

Dere’s no footprints in da snow, see? So dat means dat the wily theif musta stood somewhere and reached!

“With six foot long arms?”

Naw, he grins, but dere’s more dan one way ta skin a poise! Like with a fishin pole!

He and the Coach Z Appreciation Society head across the ice. From here, I can’t much more than an occasional ‘doncha know,’ and ‘you bet,’ but they look like they’re doing fine. After all, why should I have any doubts about the ability of a woman who leaves her purse unattended and a mouse who thinks he can snowboard on level ground to take care of themselves?

I content myself with digging around in the snow a little.

Having apparently struck out with the fisherman, they’re now attacking the hockey players. I guess a hockey stick would do, in theory. Judging from the way Max is getting all flustered, however, practice is a completely different matter.

Hmm, there’s something heavy buried under the snow.

Max is backpedaling as they return. Maybe dey hid it somewhere, like-

“Under the snow, after covering up their footprints,” I say “right next to the place they stole it from, which was the last place anyone would think to look.” Except me, of course. “Clever, huh?”

So Mrs. Beaver and Mrs. Beaver’s Son seem pleased, even if they never found out who took it. I’m satisfied with a job well done, though I’m probably gonna have to do it all again tomorrow. Max’s the only one doesn’t seem so pleased, for some reason.

Lotta guys wouldn’t be, though, doncha know?

The Final Word.

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