Everybody! Everybody!

“So what am I looking at here?”

Shopliftin. Lil’ dinky corner store. All dese clowns was inside when da propriatoir sets up a historia. Luckily, dere wuz an officer standin right at da dorr da whole time, so’s it know it wuzn’t nobody what ain’t in dat room rite now.

“What was the loot?”

Chocolate bars, six of em.

“…did we recover them?”

Whatta ya tink?

Tonight The Part of Harry Ape Will Be Played By Stretch Armstrong.

“So they took one each?”

Uh, Sly… dat one’s da cop what was on da case.

“Really? He looks familiar. Well, nevermind, let’s get as many as we can eliminated before we go in there.”

How doya mean?

“I mean like how the dog didn’t do it. If he’d eaten that much chocolate, he’d be writhing on the floor, and the duck there’d be cleaning up bloody vomit instead of standing there making me think he’s a suspect.”

Dawgs caint eat choclit?

“No canids can.”

YOU caint eat choclit?!

“Yeah, howbout you shut up your speciest gloating about now? Now, there’s Count Stupidly… I doubt it. When he breaks the law, he wants to atomize it. Sometimes literally. It wouldn’t occur to him to steal candy. Same goes for the… woman in the back. Harry Ape, now… I can see that he MIGHT do it, but I can’t see why.”

Maybe cuz he wanted candy?

“And when word gets onto the street that Mr. Big Pimp can’t afford to buy chocolate bars? Now, what have we got on this Sid Sailor?”

‘Iz foile sez… he’s Sid da Sailor Man, ‘E lives in Garbage Can, and den it sez dat he Eats All Da Woims an Spits out Da Joims.

“…then I guess that means he wouln’t be eating chocolate bars, huh. Alright, let’s go get our suspect.”

But Sly! he whines, following me into the room, Ya just eliminated all dah whole dang lot!

“Noticed that, did you? Maybe you’re not so hopeless. Course, you also ought to have noticed somethin else.” I can feel him trying not to say ‘what’ as I stop in front of the duck in uniform. “How did the officer know the bars had been eaten, if he didn’t see who ate them?”

There’s a storm of cursing as we leave. “Told you he was a suspect.”

The Final Word.


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