I sez youz gots ta eat, so youz gots ta eat!
Mos people’s glad ta get dis stuff! Dere’s dis one Coon what deliberately gets caught stealin food so’s he can get a square meal in da holdin cell!
“Can’t you shut that racket up? I’m trying to work!”
We seem tah be havin a problem wit dis one prisoner.
I w-w-won’t eat unt-til m-my demands are m-m-met! I’m p-protesting!
“What are you protesting?”
“Well, I can tell you right now, we’re going to have a hard time meeting your demands if we don’t know what they are.”
Keep in mind, we dealin’ with Count Weirdly here! says the sergeant ominously from over his paperwork.
“Which is why I’m mightily inclined to go back to my desk and do my best to ignore Max shouting?”
I think we need to be considerin’ that he aint exactly natural.
“Well clearly he’s put something in the water cooler, at least.”
Ya mean… he’s a ROBOT?! Max gasps.
“Yes!” I moan in a faux Vincent Price voice, “This is really an android duplicate, fashioned so cunningly that no one can detect the difference! But faced with the bodily functions of living beings, it cannot hope to counterfeit, so its flawless computerized brain decides to claim to be on a hunger strike to cover and continue to trick us that this is the real Count Weirdly!”
They look at me like I just announced that Aslan’s descending from heaven and the Rapture is upon us.
“So! What we must ask ourselves is this: is this robotic duplicate Count Weirdly minion, or his Enemy? Is the real Count even now enacting some dastardly scheme, or locked in his own dungeon, feebly calling for help, while his soulless double plots to take his place?!”
…really? breathes Max.
They have enough time to give me dirty looks before Count Weirdly cackles Now my proud beauties! While they’re distracted! Fly! Swarm them! I look over to seem him dumping black fuzzy balls out of his hat.
Wut are they? Max asks from on top of the desk, after a long pause.
“Purple pom-poms with plastic googly eyes glued to them. Didn’t anybody think to frisk him when he was arrested?”
He Count Weirdly. Wouldju be friskin’ him?
Um… D-d-detective? I j-just w-want to c-c-compliment you. T-that w-was a g-g-g-g-, uh, f-first-rate spooky m-monologue! I c-couldn’t have done b-better myself, even if I had b-b-been pretending to be a r-robot!
“You’ll excuse me if I don’t take a bow,” I mutter on my way out.
Uh, c-can I have th-that meal now? I’m actually p-p-pretty hungry.