The Open Road.

I guess I must have seen enough of people to get together a pretty nice theory on animal nature. The sort of theory they write books about, and then thin guys in tight black shirts pretend they’ve read ’em. If I ever wrote one of those, right, like I’ve got the time for that? it’d start off with just a nice long list of all the stupid things that happen and the the stupid things that people do to make em worse.

As Socrates’d say, like this one.

That Hydrant Doesn\'t Get Very Good Water Pressure.

Dis is a flat owt disrace, I tell ya whut! Huh. Never would have guess Max had a thing for classic cars.

“Well, when you’ve got a little insight into who disgraced it, lemme know.”

Hey, dat’s yer job, Sly.

“And I was under the impression that it was your job to assist with that whole deal? Pretty sure that’s what an assistant does.”

Feh! He shoots a glance at the two suspects, which I’m pretty sure is the first time he’s even looked at them. Waaaaaaahhhhhllll- dere’s a feathah here, so I guess dat means it wuz da boid.

“That thing’s a feather?”

I tink.

“Looks more like a banana peel.”

Well you know whut dey say. Feathahs don’t never look like feathahs.



“Nobody has ever said that, ever.”

He stomps off to sulk. Fine den, you solve da case!

I always do. “It’s only gonna take a couple minutes, too!” And exactly one minute and fifty-nine seconds later I’ve found the slime all over the steering wheel. Which means that unless a lot more eagles than I thought work in the vaseline business, “that whoever drove this thing last was all kinda of slimy.”

I admit it! wails the toad But I can’t help it! I love motor cars! I just wanted to take it for a little drive! But i couldn’t steer right and… he dissolves in tears. Amphibians.

“Well, I wish they were all that easy,” I remark as they lead him off in special slip-proof cuffs, “Hope you weren’t bothered, birdo.”

The execution of justice is never a bother to any honest citizen.

“Oh,” I take my hand off him a bit too fast. “Well, I’ll let you know when I see one, then.”


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