“Didn’t we bring her in on a poisoning charge about a year ago?”
Mebee she got off onna insanity d’fense?
“What, and that means they just let her go? Do I look like Batman?”
Yeah, loik our uddah regulars aint out on da street quick like-
“Shut up, Max.”
The Old Bag’s just started up her sales pitch again. While I’m sure it’d be very colorful to listen to, I’d rather deal with the fewest possible number of poisoning cases. Best to cut her off. “Ok, can it, Auntie.”
She gives me this look through her eyebrows, impressive ones, too, that’s half like she doesn’t know what I’m talking about and half like I don’t know what I’m talking about and all hopped up out of her mind. I only sell it in bottles.
“Well, stop selling it in anything and come along quiet now.”
She’s still looking at me like she doesn’t speak English and I’m yelling at her about where to find a hotel. Why would I do that?
“Because I’m arresting you!”
Blank stare. “Din’t I turn you into a fox a year ago?”
The big guy behind in the nice suit her clears his throat. Allow me to handle this, if I might. My associate is involved in a most lucrative business, Officer….?
“Detective Doesn’t Have A Lot Of Patience With Snake Oil Salesmen.”
A man who cuts right to the chase, a man after my own heart sir, yessir. Let me assure you that my associate’s methods, while slightly unorthodox are nonetheless genuinely effective! Indeed sir!
“Because I’m obviously gonna just take your word for it, right.”
“Shut up, Max.”
I would too, the old bag mutters.
It’s all true sir! Because sir, this very morning I weighed a full one hundred pounds more than I do as I stand before you! Swear by the paw o’ the sweet Lord Aslan Hisself!
“I’ll do you a favor and not book you for perjery too, then.” Then I’m on familiar ground, what with the cuffs and the reading of rights and the putting people into squad cars. It’s almost done when the crone pulls at my sleeve.
It’s all true, she wispers conspiratorally, the potion doesn’t make you lose weight.
She nods. The only reason he lost a hundred pounds is cause he’s a werewolf. He’s much fatter normally.
Uh, ok. “I’m… sure that’ll be taken into consideration.”
Wha wuz dat about? Max asks as they drive off.
“Nothing important. Just had to fill her quota of deranged muttering for the day. You get the evidence?”
He swishes a bottle of I don’t want to know what. I wonder f’this reaaaally woiks-
“Max, even if it does, you already weight less than a hundred pounds.”
Nevermind. “So get in the car, we’re going.”