Turns Out It’s a Cuckoo’s Egg, But She’s Ok with That, It’s a New Avian Adoption Program.

Squawwk! Help police he’s trying to snatch my children! Police!

Gah, get orf ya dingy broad I am da police!

Molester! He’s a child molester! He’s trying to sell my children for avian trafficking!

I just shake my head. I told him not to go poking into people’s houses. Or nests in this case.

Maybe if Harry Ape stopped dressing like the neighborhood watch logo, people wouldn't be so suspicious.

“As I was saying, Harry,” I shout over the impending lawsuit, “This’ll go a lot easier on us if you just tell me where you stashed the pearl that we both know you took.”

Mebbe wut yew knows and wut I knows could fill a incyclepeedja, copper, but dat dun mean nuttin in court witout da rock!

“Not sure they make an encyclopedia small enough for you, Harry, seeing as how you apparently think it’s a good idea to taunt me.” I glance around for a minute. “Max?”

Do you know what they do to monsters like you in prison, pervert?! Do you?!

Lady I wuz jes lookin fer a pearl-

“Ok, you’re obviously busy then. Hey kid,” the tiny cat–I guess–watching the proceedings pricks up her–I think–ears, “How’d you like to get deputized for the afternoon?”

Whats that mean?

“It means you get to be a policeman.Kids still want to be police when they grow up, right?

Mommy says I hafta be a CPA so I can strategically position myself in an evolvin corporate dynamic.

“Just tell her you were broadening your resume.” I hand her one of the novelty plastic badges they make us carry around. “You’re looking for a great big pearl, and I’m gonna bet it’s in that lamp up there.”

Harry and I have a really invigorating starting contest while a small child climbs a street lamp unsupervised.

“Have you got the pearl?”

This is a golf ball Mr. Police.

Haw haw haw, laughs Harry, Yew ain’t never gonna find it, coppah!

“We’ll see about that! Kid, run over to the park clubhouse and dig around in that big bin of golf balls.”

But I dun wanna play police any more!

“Didn’t hear you mention the part where I care, so off you go.”

I foun a ball of Mozzarella.

“To the grocery store with you.”

There was a ping pong ball in one of the cheese wrapper.

“And there’s a arcade with table tennis tables across the street.”

The kid gets back panting and about to keel over, which is good, kids these days need to be taught proper work ethic. Mr. Policeman-

“You about to tell me you found a cueball?”

No… pant pant wheeze… egg!

I glance down at the white orb I just got handed. “Huh. Ok, Harry? I’m gonna advise you next time to not have the hiding place of each thing you stole be a clue to the hiding place of the next thing.”

Uh…. wutchoo talkin bout, coppah? Suddenly Harry’s sweating harder than the kid was.

“Watch and learn. Excuse me ma’am?”


“Have reason to believe one of your children went missing?” I say, tipping my cap, have to be polite you know, “If I could just check for a moment? Yes, you seem to have a pearl in your nest, so here’s your egg back, safe and sound.”

Oh, thank you officer! What on earth happened to the young dear?

“Oh, Mr. Ape over there seems to have abducted as part of a thef-”

Show me this Mr. Ape! Where is he?!

I give Harry a ‘are you sure trying to game your way out of this one was a good idea?’ glance, and he replies with one that says ‘no it really was not, given due consideration, also oh shit please help me.’ “So I assume you wish to press charges?”




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