Some Crimes You Don’t Want To Solve.
It’d been a long drive. That kind where you’re doing 75 and it feels like 15. The kind that leaves your skin feeling like plastic and your mouth tasting like concrete. The kind that you just want it to be over and then you feel like crap when it is. I was looking forward to a tall, cold bourbon and water and eight hours of insensibility. Max just wanted to do his laundry. It was rank even for him, though it took him putting his nose right against his suitcase to notice.
And someone broke in. Of course. That’s just my luck… drive all day, and get to work as soon as you arrive. Shit, what were they even after? It’s not like I’m loaded, or nothing. I’m a fox, not a banker. But everything looked in place. They hadn’t rifled through the garbage, they hadn’t gotten at the safe behind the diploma, they hadn’t even moved enough around to scare off that huge spider in the corner. Swear that thing is watching me sometimes.
Someone broke in to take a bath?
Max tosses down his suitcase impatiently. Wut da… again?! She broke in last toime we came back from a trip! Don’t dis broad know how to make a date like normal peeple?!
“Calm down, Max, and don’t jump to conclusions.” Straighten my tie quick here, “We haven’t seen Cassie in months, there’s no reason to expect this to be her.” Think I’ve got a bottle of wine in the bottom of the desk, assuming she didn’t steal it already, and hopefully I remembered to make the bed before I left-
Gyaaaaah! screams Shady Shrew as I open the bathroom door.
“Aaaaaaaah!” Max and I are this close to doing three-part harmony with him. “Dammit Shrew, what the hell are you doing in my bathtub?!”
Dis is your house, coppah?! Aww, shit in a donut, I am sooo goin ta dah clink, aint I?
“Brilliant deduction,” I growl through clenched teeth. “Course that’s only if you survive, which you will ONLY do if by the time I get back from bleaching my EYES you are fully dressed and waiting PATIENTLY for me to handcuff you!”
Geez Louise! Is jes a baff, I break in to random houses to take em all de dang time, aint nuttin to bite my flippin head off ’bout…”
Aw he’s just mad cuz he wuz expectin-
“Max, shut up harder than you have ever shut up before.”