Teleport Spam.

“C’mon Max, we’ve got another Nigerian Prince.”

Nawt again. I’ll get da coffee.

“Not this time. This time, we’re going to him.”

yer making me go ta Nigeria.

“As hilarious as that would be, no.”

The shading on the castle doorway is exquisite.

“See, in today’s increasingly net-savvy population, the intelligent email scammer has to diversify and target market segments effectively.”

Dis is Count Weirdly’s house?

“Yes, he represents the valuable ‘will believe absolutely anything’ segment.”

Yes, the monkey is shouting as we edge toward the door, you are a genius ans it’s working! Uh. Explain to me again how it works!

W-w-well, I run a alternating c-c-current ac-cross the surface of the g-glass, which d-destabilizes your p-position in space-t-t-time and allows you t-to t-teleport to-

Yes, teleport, yes, because that happened, indeed, it was only for a split second but I definitely was in some… other place… somewhere?

I h-had the m-m-machine set to s-s-s-sixty f-four feet that time.

Which is why I saw… outside the castle? And I definitely saw it and am not making it up because why on earth would I do that?

I d-don’t know?

I don’t either! You’re a genius!

L-let’s try one h-hundred t-t-twenty eight!

Say, have you thought about marketing this brilliant technology why Id be more than willing to help I’m a marketing genius and all I’d need would be a small initial investment to-

Oh, n-no, this isn’t for selling, th-this is for my f-f-fleet of d-death z-zeppilins!


“I think that’s all I need to hear.” Besides, that’s a dramatically perfect opportunity for an entrance.

C-curses! You’re too l-l-late to stop me, d-detective, I’ve already perfected my-

“I’m not here for you, Dr. Sivana. I’m arresting the guy who was trying to email-scam you out of whatever you’ve got in your bank account. So… dead snails, I guess?”

Wait, s-scam? What are you t-t-talking about? He answered my online ad for a t-test subject, and he…. ooooooh.

“Yeah, so I’m gonna arrest him now. And trust me,” I stop the perp before he says anything stupid, “There’s nothing in jail that’s worse than what you’ll get if this nut tries to enact one of his vengeance schemes.”

He blinks at me, then Count Weirdly, then back at me. I’m hoping I don’t have to point out that he’s currently hooked up to live electric current. Uh, I’ll come quietly.


But Sly, Max says after he’s slapped on the cuffs, Count Weirdly’s venjinces’re lame! He, like, pours grape jooce on ya!

“That might not be scary, but you can’t deny it’s bad.”


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